Mi Bella Cantante
by awriterscorned
Summary: Assuming Bella will never love another women, Alice resolves to be whatever Bella needs. When she sees Bella jump from a cliff, she returns to Forks barely in time and discovers that Bella needs more than a sister or friend. Alice/Bella. Femslash.
1. Cliffdiving

Dr. Franz looked like she needed therapy more than I did. As much as I had let my appearance go since Edward left and took his fashion policing sister with him, I looked more polished than Rosalie beside her. Everything she wore was too big for her; today it was a seasonal sweater that covered up any clues that there was a woman underneath, a pair of corduroy pants, and the usual black framed glasses too big for her face. Her brown hair was turning gray, but she either didn't notice or chose not to. I wasn't normally one to look for flaws in others to make myself look better, but I was in a slightly bitter mood today. Therapy was supposed to make people feel better, but all I could feel since I started seeing her was rage. Blinding rage, and crushing loneliness. The hole Edward left inside me had become something more tangible: a nest where pure hatred and abandonment and an even darker breed of sadness and misery lived. It wasn't enough hearing his voice or seeing him in my nightmares anymore. I lived and breathed my own misery and resentment, and every trip inside me only made it worse.

Before this appointment, I had filled the journal she made me buy with a mostly bullshit account of my "fun time out" with Jessica. I omitted the part where I practically walked into a rape scene just to hear Edward's voice, and where Jessica decided she didn't want to be a part of the Bella Swan mess and left me alone, just like he did. Throwing myself onto the couch across from Dr. Franz's executive chair, I absently tossed her the notebook, hoping she wouldn't ask the drilling questions that were always open to more answers than I wanted to dig for.

"Who is this Jessica?" Dr. Franz turned the pages carefully as though she were examining records for a patient with brain cancer. "I don't recall you ever mentioning her."

"A girl from school," I shrugged, "we were kind of friends before," I still couldn't bring myself to say his name, "well you know."

Her eyes lowered, returning my sloppily written account of how the night went. "Do you suppose you'll hang out with her again?"

"Maybe," I said, "I don't know. Sure."

"What I wonder is whether you went out with her to have a good time, or mostly to get Charlie off your back," Dr. Franz said thoughtfully, as though discussing something far less trivial than my angsty teenage existence.

As both Edward and Jacob had noted, I had a terrible problem with blushing. Some people found it cute, supposedly. In this case, it definitely was _not _cute and always seemed to give me away. "It kind of worked," I muttered defensively.

Dr. Franz nodded thoughtfully. "Let's talk about Charlie," she set the notebook on her desk and focused her eyes on mine, while I was pointedly trying not to look into hers.

"Okay," I said, "what's to talk about? He's good, he tries, he worries like any father but overall he doesn't pester me. No complaints."

"I see," Dr. Franz said, "from what you've told me, you were basically the adult in your relationship with your mother."

I hugged my knees to my chest. "Yeah, but she's got someone new to babysit her now." I was a bit surprised by how harsh I sounded, but suppose I shouldn't have been considering how things had been lately.

"And Charlie needed you more?" Dr. Franz asked.

"Not exactly. I mean, he got lonely without me around but it wasn't like he didn't function. He had Billy and he had the police force. He managed," I said.

"That must have been hard," Dr. Franz said, her face remaining emotionless through her empathic language, "it doesn't sound like you've ever really had anyone stable in your life to hold onto, and count on to be the adult."

"I managed," my voice grew more defensive than I realized it would.

She nodded grimly, "so tell me about Edward again."

After wincing at the way she carelessly threw his name at me, I dug inside me for those blurring images of what little time I had with him. "He was strong. He was confident. He was smart."

"I remember you telling me he pushed you out of the way when a car was about to hit you," Dr. Franz said.

Naturally, I had neglected to mention that he had literally used his body as a barrier between my fragile human body and the two ton aluminum monster. "Yeah," I said, trying to sound casual about it.

"I feel like that was really when you started to fall in love with him," Dr. Franz said, "did you feel like he was somewhat protective of you?"

"You have no idea," I laughed awkwardly. If she only knew that being tired of saving my ass time and time again was the reason he left.

"I see a lot of girls with unstable home lives fall for men like Edward," Dr. Franz said, "forgive me if this sounds presumptive, but men like Edward make you feel taken care of. They make you feel like there's something stable and unchanging in your life that you can count on. One thing that you don't have to manage yourself. It feels like the perfect relationship, but often there's a downside to dating your savior."

"Only downside was that I wasn't good enough for him," I grumbled.

Dr. Franz shrugged. "If you really weren't good enough, would your friend Jacob be so enamored with you? It sounds to me like you have no problem attracting boys, but Edward is the only one who really interests you. Why do you think that is?"

"He was always there for me," I said lamely, knowing there was no real way to sum up what I felt for him and why.

She nodded. "It sounds to me like your friend Jacob has been there for you a lot too. What do you think makes him different?"

"He's…he's great," I said, "but he's just Jacob. I can't explain why I love who I love. I just do."

"Last time you were here, I think you described your friendship with Jacob being as easy as breathing," Dr. Franz said, "did you feel that way with Edward?"

"Not exactly," I said, desperately wishing she'd drop the subject.

"Why do you think that is?" Dr. Franz asked.

I wanted to scream, "_I don't fucking know_!" but my manners wouldn't allow it. "First of all, Edward's family is pretty reclusive. His sister, Rosalie, kind of hated me when we met. I was cool with Alice and Jasper and probably Emmett, but Rosalie always felt like I was kind of…"

"Invading their family?" she guessed.

"Yeah," I said, "I guess so. And Edward worried _a lot_. With Jacob, he's always happy to see me but he doesn't _need _to see me. He doesn't try to be my guardian angel. He's just Jacob and I'm just Bella."

"That sounds like a pretty healthy relationship," she said.

"So you're rooting for Team Jacob then?" My tone dripped with sarcasm.

"I'm not telling you that Jacob is right for you," she said, "I'm just asking you to consider that at eighteen your life has barely begun. There are millions of boys out there, and I think it might be wise for you to give one of them a chance. Even if you aren't ready to start dating again, Edward isn't the last person who will ever care about you."

"No," I said, "but I'm never going to love anyone else."

Before she could really argue with me, the clock beat her to it and our fifty minutes were up. I left the office and got into my truck, which still had that eyesore of a gaping hole where the radio should have been. I wished, sometimes, that I hadn't pried it out with my bare hands. It would have been nice to have something to listen to besides my own angry and defensive thoughts on the way home.

"Jake called," Charlie said, with the optimistic grin he wore when talking about his friend's son, "wants you to call back." When I didn't answer, he asked, "how was therapy?"

"Fine."

"Look," he said, as I tried to bolt up the stairs and away from the conversation, "I don't mean to be the nagging Dad, Bells but I worry about you."

"I know," I smiled awkwardly; "I'm going to call Jake."

I knew me seeing Jacob always made Charlie worry a little less, but I also knew he thought that Jacob had a chance with me, and that I was legitimately calling Jacob out of genuine interest in seeing him. This time, my reasons were a bit more selfish.

"Hey Jake," I said into the phone.

"Bella," there was a smile in his voice, "where've you been all day?"

"I slept kind of late," I said, "then I had to go to therapy."

"_Therapy_," he chuckled, "I'd need it too if I used to date a bloodsucker."

"Knock it off, Jake," my tone was sharp enough that he knew I wasn't kidding.

"Sorry. So Charlie pushed you into therapy?" he asked.

"Yeah, don't really want to talk about it though," I said, "any chance you wanna try cliff-diving today?"

"It's supposed to storm later," Jacob said, "I'm not sure if today's the best day."

"Come on, I'll be fine," I was definitely feeling frustrated with how fragile my supernatural friends seemed to think I was.

"I don't know, Bells," he said, "another time maybe. I was just wondering if you wanted to come chill for a while."

As mad as it made me at myself, I was definitely not in the mood for "chill." "You know, maybe another time," I said, "I'm feeling kind of restless. I think I might go for a jog or something."

"I'll jog with you. I didn't know you jogged. I kind of thought you hated running."

"No thanks," I said, "I just kind of want to be alone."

I lied to Charlie and told him I was seeing Jake. It was probably a stupid thing to do, since he was friends with Jake's father and could easily sniff out a lie without even trying, but I wasn't exactly thinking straight. I wanted to jump. I needed to jump. I wasn't really thinking about the outcome, only about the experience. I wanted to throw myself off the edge of a cliff and land in freezing cold water; I needed a terror-thrill catharsis. Whatever came of it came of it.

It didn't take too long to drive my car to the bottom of the cliff and to climb the trail that led to the top. My feet grew tired and felt like they were surely getting blistered, but I didn't care. I wanted to jump. But when I finally got to the edge, there was no jump, no action, just an anticlimactic slip. I stood at the edge and let myself fall, let my stomach drop and my body race like a speeding bullet toward the water. As fast as I was following, my thoughts were jarred and racing. Rocks…shit…what if there were rocks at the bottom? Waves, it was starting to rain, the water didn't look steady. How fucked was I, how _stupid _was I? Maybe I would die, maybe word would get to Edward that the stupid girl he left in Forks jumped to her death. Would he feel sorry for me? Maybe, but he'd get over it.

I hit the water hard, and it smacked my body while the waves pulled me farther and farther under. The sinking was relentless and almost soothing once I realized his voice wasn't going to come. There had been no point to this. Maybe the only point was to get away. Maybe I was going to die. Maybe that was okay.

A violent wave threw me above water, then under again, then above and finally a voice came to me, begging, "_Come on, Bella. Swim!_" The voice was beautiful, filled with bells and an almost song-like quality. But it wasn't his. It was lighter, softer, more feminine. Could it have been…it couldn't. I continued to fight, and eventually felt a tiny figure latch on to me, pushing against the currents while I was a limp ragdoll in her arms. We finally reached shore and she pushed me onto my back, pressing against my chest and breathing into my mouth.

_Alice?_

It was a while before I was speaking again, and by the time I could mutter her name in confusion, hoards of people had arrived. First Jacob, then Sam and Emily, then a crowd of other Quilettes who looked disgusted with Alice's vampiric scent, then finally Charlie who looked completely shocked.

When he realized I wasn't going to be much help, he turned to Alice, who was still hovering over me and listening to my heart.

"Alice? What…how did this happen?" Charlie practically demanded, falling to his knees beside her and feeling my pulse.

"I don't know," I couldn't really blame Alice for not forging a crafty excuse for me. I couldn't have thought of one if I had tried, "I came back to visit and I was taking a walk and…I think she must have jumped."

"She mentioned wanting to go cliff-diving," Jacob interjected, "we had talked about doing it together but, I swear we were going to start on a smaller cliff and not in the rain and…oh God Bella," he joined Charlie at my side.

"Alright, coming through, paramedics," some voices grumbled. I was lifted onto a stretcher and they said they could only fit one person in the vehicle, which was naturally Charlie. I still feel guilty for having wanted Alice.

"Bella," he said when the doors were securely closed, "sweetie. I knew you were depressed but, I had no idea. I'm so sorry Bella."

"I wasn't trying to die," I murmured beneath a respiration mask, for whatever it was worse.

"Then what _were _you trying to do?" he asked.

I didn't have a good answer for him. "I was…I don't know. I'm sorry, Dad."

"Don't _ever _scare me like that again, Bella, do you hear me?"

A paramedic shushed him and asked me a few similar questions, trying to drive the dark motivation behind my stupidity.

"I swear, I'm just an idiot," I said lamely, "and it won't happen again."

The hospital stay was probably mostly unnecessary, but for whatever reason they chose to detain me for a few days since I had "exhibited suicidal behavior." As ridiculous as it seemed, I was still shaken enough to fall asleep when they finally left me in a room. I slept a dreamless sleep, for the first time in month, and woke up to a pair of beautiful golden eyes watching me.

"Alice!" My voice was overjoyed. "How'd you get in here?"

"I know some people," she smiled cleverly, "_why _did you get in here," her expression became more serious.

"I was just stupid," I said lamely, "it was nothing."

"I'm really sorry I left with the rest of them," Alice breathed heavily despite the lack of need, "I _knew _my brother was an idiot for leaving you by yourself and I told him you wouldn't be better off, but you know how he can be."

"Is he…" I was almost too afraid to ask, "with you?"

She shook her head, "I had a vision of you jumping and I came alone. I didn't tell anyone though, because I knew they'd either try and stop me or…who knows what else."

I smiled meekly. "So you came all the way here just to save your brother's stupid ex-girlfriend eh?"

Her cold hand reached out to hold mine, and I felt a blush creeping on. For a quick moment, I started to feel alive again, like I did when I came out of hiding and restored my friendship with Jacob times infinity. I felt a sudden urge to hold her, and cry a million tears that hadn't come out in my months of loneliness.

_No_, I reminded myself. _This isn't Edward. This is Alice. You're confusing them because you're stupid and you're lonely_.

"Eventually you're going to let me hold you," Alice giggled lightly, "and you're going to cry and I'm going to tell you it's okay. But that probably won't happen until later when they let you go home and I come over to cheer you up."

"Where are you staying?" I asked, remembering that she was traveling alone.

"Well I _could _stay at a hotel," she mused, "but I was hoping maybe I could come keep you company. You seem like you could use some."

"You think Charlie would like that?" I laughed a bit at the thought. "I think he's pretty much ready to never see another Cullen in his life."

"I _did _save your life," Alice said, "plus come on. You know my brother can be a bit off-putting. I'm not mean heartbreaking Edward. I'm just sweet, carefree Alice. Everyone loves me."

It might have sounded vain coming from anyone but her. A person would have to be crazy not to love Alice. "Charlie put me in therapy," I blurted.

"For as much as Edward's been torn up about leaving you, it hurt me too," Alice sighed, "I know it's probably not the same, but I care about you too."

"If you care at all, you care more than he does," I responded bitterly.

I bit my lip, trying to think of how to ask the question I wanted to ask. "How is he?"

"I don't know, he doesn't really talk about his feelings too often," Alice said, "though I've seen him debating coming back to you but his decision always remains the same. He's an idiot though. I don't know how you could leave someone you love."

"Easy," I said, "he doesn't love me."

"He wanted to. But I think he realized it was more complicated than a happily-ever-after. He couldn't be an immortal seventeen-year-old following you around, watching you grow old and eventually die while he stayed the same forever, but he couldn't bear to change you and see you confined to our life either. He figures you wouldn't really be happy, that you couldn't really love him if you understood how horrible he really is, and how hard our lives really are."

"I do," I said weakly, though I couldn't fully put money on it, "being a vampire is a constant struggle, a constant balance of will and sometimes it hurts. But if I could be with someone I loved forever, I'd rather have that than an easy life alone."

Alice nodded. "I know, and that's what makes you so special. You get it. There are plenty of mortals in Forks who have had crushes on Edward. Jessica, Angela, Lauren. All of them would love to walk down the halls holding his hand, but do you think a single one of them would even _consider _going through the painful transformation process and leaving everything they have in this life behind for love?"

My mind conjured the memory of me running after dangerous boys to hear Edward's voice while Jessica looked on, flabbergasted. "No," I said.

"If I had someone that devoted to me, I'd never let them go," Alice said, squeezing my hand a bit more tightly.

"But, Jasper," I frowned, "what happened with Jasper?"

"We were together for a long time," Alice said, "almost fifty years. But about a decade ago, he met a girl and…well…so did I. We still loved each other, so we decided to take a break and see other people. We figured maybe fifty years was just a really long time for anyone to stay committed. But then both our hearts were broken and we tried again, and it just wasn't the same. We could hold each other for hours and we still loved each other just as much but it wasn't, you know, the same."

"You're bisexual?" I asked, almost hoping she would say no. Alice was probably one of the few females who would ever be able to make me question, and I had enough confusion in my life without that curveball.

"Jazz is actually the only man I've ever been serious with," her eyes grew wistful; "I'm probably one point away from gay on the Kinsley Scale."

My cheeks felt hot and I once again hated being human. "So how come your family still thinks you're together?"

"It was easier that way," Alice said, "after Sarah I really didn't date any other women. I figured we'll go to a hundred high schools and any women I'm likely to meet are going to get old and die. I didn't want to get involved in that mess."

"And Jasper?" I asked.

"Same deal pretty much," she frowned, "although he's had a few short-lived relationships with vampires. I think he and Tanya were interested for a while, but nothing ever came of it."

"Tanya?" I asked.

"Another vegetarian vampire. Had a huge thing for Edward, but we all kind of assumed he was asexual until he met you," she recognized the dismay in my face and immediately apologized. "Well anyway, she couldn't have Edward and Jasper was kind of rebound for her. The Cullens don't know because, well, Rosalie would flip for one. It makes her nervous enough that Edward's single and fell for a mortal. She wouldn't like that two more of us are single and 'on the prowl.'"

I laughed at the image of Alice 'prowling' women. "Is this awkward for you?" I asked, motioning toward our linked hands.

"No," she said, "is it awkward for _you_?"

My heart started to beat a bit faster, and she pulled slowly away. "Are you okay, Bella? Your face is kind of…"

"I know, I know," I grumbled, "damn blushing."

Alice's expression went from intrigued to almost startled. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"

I shook my head, though I missed the feeling of something close to human contact, and crossed my arms at my chest. "I'm not homophobic," I said, "when you're friends with vampires and werewolves you can't exactly afford to be afraid of gay people."

"I just thought maybe…you'd think it was weird that we were," she shrugged, "never mind. Look, I need to go," she said, somewhat unconvincingly, "but just know that my brother was an idiot for leaving you and just…don't throw away your life for him. Promise me."

"I…" I breathed. "Okay. I promise."

My mind was starting to fumble at the pieces, asking impossible questions that surely would lead to resounding "no's," that probably stemmed from nothing more than misplaced affection and pathetic angst for Edward, and she was gone before I could think to ask them.

_It's okay_, I told myself. I did everything the nurses said, I attended group therapy and listened to stories far more gruesome than my own and talked to this therapist and that therapist, holding on to the promise of her vision. _She'll be there when I get home._


	2. Prophecy

A/N: Sorry this update has taken so long. My computer fried in mid-July and took my update with it. Now that I finally have a new computer, I can share what I've been working on (or what I have right now). Also, Bella is not going to be this frustrating for the entire story I swear.

The next few days were constant punishment for being sad. A nurse woke me up before I was ready and handed me a list of activities, ensuring me that the more bullshit I attended, the sooner I'd be out of there. At eighteen, I wasn't considered a teenager anymore so the group was filled with people ranging from college age to older than my parents. Everyone's reason for being here was better than mine. A fifty-year-old woman was raped repeatedly by her father and brothers when she was growing up and had just left a fifteen year abusive marriage and lost custody of her three children. The boy closest to my age heard Satan laughing in his head and took pills to save his soul. Someone else had grown up in foster care and been sexually abused by female and male caretakers and couldn't trust anyone of either gender. Thinking she'd die alone because of it, she slit her wrists.

When it came to be my turn, all I could say was, "a boy dumped me and I jumped off a cliff."

I expected them to laugh, maybe boo me out of the room, but no one seemed to believe that was the whole story. The fifty-year-old woman asked if the man had ever hurt me before, what my childhood was like, how I felt about myself, probing for some hell in my past that made my story less than mock-worthy. The counselor said some fluffy garbage about how beautiful I am and how I have plenty of time to fall in love. When it was finally over, I sat alone at the lunch table and spent the rest of the day waiting. I went through three days of this before I could see the psychiatrist and try to go home.

"I see you've been in therapy with Dr. Esther Franz," he looked down at a long record sheet that probably had every stupid injury I had ever suffered. "How is that going for you?"

"Fine. I don't feel like killing myself. I just made a stupid mistake, thinking I'd get a thrill out of cliff jumping. I'm not going to do it again," I tried to sound calm and nonchalant, knowing that defensiveness would only give him further excuse to mistrust me.

He yammered for a bit about depression and finally said, "I'm going to write you a prescription for ten milligrams of Lexapro. I want you to talk to Dr. Franz and find a psychiatrist you can coordinate with, but if you have any problems with it, I want you to call our office immediately."

"I don't need meds," I told him, "I'm just going through a rough time."

"We all experience periods of sadness and anger but it sounds like you are seriously and persistently depressed," his voice started to bear a know-it-all tone, like the nerdy student answering a question in AP history.

I sighed. "My depression is completely conditional. I was never this depressed when I was still with my last boyfriend."

"So are you just going to wait until you get another boyfriend and hope your depression goes away?"

"That's not what I said," I argued, but it was pointless. I left with the prescription in my hand and Charlie drove straight to the drugstore to fill it before I could object.

"Would you mind if Alice stayed with you tonight?" his voice carried a hint of uncertainty, but he seemed sincere in the request.

"Alice?" I asked.

"I have a shift tonight, and I really can't miss it. Another death was reported, and we have to keep after this bear," I immediately started wondering where my cell phone was, and whether I'd be able to reach Jacob in time. I pulled out my cell phone and started forming a text but continued to speak.

"Someone else?" I asked. "Who was it?"

"It was my friend, Harry Clearwater."

"Oh no! Dad, I'm...I'm so sorry." Knowing Charlie had to deal with that on top of worrying about his suicidal teenage daughter skyrocketed my guilt.

He nodded. "There will be a funeral soon, but people are getting antsy. We need to solve this case once and for all, but I can't leave you alone. I know you're too old for a babysitter, and I wasn't really comfortable having Jacob spend the night, so when Alice volunteered I couldn't really say no. I just hope her being here won't bring back memories of...him."

"Alice is nothing like Edward. She's a lot more mature, and she was one of the first people in Forks to genuinely try to be my friend," I wasn't sure if the part about maturity was true or not, but the second part was honest.

He nodded. "That's why I trust her. Girls are supposed to have girlfriends to talk to about things, and she seems a bit more with it than Jessica anyway."

That was the understatement of the century. "Sure, Dad," my tone was brighter than it had been, "I'll be fine with Alice."

He dropped me off with a vile bag of pills and Alice was already waiting for me. As badly as I wanted to run and hug her, I resisted the urge in front of Charlie. "Make sure Bella takes these," he told her, motioning to the bag of antidepressants.

"No problem. I promise I'll call if we have any problems," her voice was rich with confidence, and Charlie seemed relieved.

"Great," he said, "well...goodbye. Take care of yourself, Bells. Don't give Alice any trouble."

I felt like a five-year-old being left with a sitter. Alice waved as Charlie drove off and instructed me to do the same. When he was finally out of sight, Alice's perfect sight, she turned to me and said, "okay now we can drop that charade. We'll have fun tonight, trust me."

Alice took my hand and skipped inside. "Have you eaten yet? There's spaghetti in the fridge since I never got to see you eat it the first time I made it."

"Sorry about that," I grumbled.

"And just for the record, I doubt Charlie would have cared that much if you had hugged me in front of him," her voice was song-like and beautiful, even when she was teasing me.

Reluctantly, I wrapped my arms around her cold body and felt instinctively maternal, wanting to smother her with blankets and tea and affection before I remembered that this temperature was healthy for Alice.

"I went to group therapy with rape survivors and a guy who heard voices from Satan, and told them I jumped off a cliff because a boy dumped me," I drifted into the living room and fell onto the couch, "how pathetic am I?"

"You're not pathetic," Alice took a seat beside me. "Someone really close to me was raped, and someone else I love was manipulated into killing innocent people, but they still love their brain dead brother who's brooding over his own stupidity."

"Who was raped?" my voice shook a bit, imagining something that horrific and compromising happening to any one of the people who had ripped James, my almost murderer, to shreds.

She sighed. "I'm sorry. It wasn't my business to tell you, but I guess now that I did it was Rosalie. She had been left for dead when Carlisle found her."

My guilt flared up again, remembering my assumption that Rosalie was just a self-centered bitch who couldn't stand to see an ugly human with her brother. "I'm sorry," I said.

"I wasn't telling you that to make you feel bad," Alice moved closer to me, as if debating whether physical comfort was appropriate, "she has nightmares still, and she knows that without Emmett she'd break completely. That's why she'd never begrudge you or Edward for being heartbroken."

"Why is Edward heartbroken if he decided on his own not to be with me anymore?"

"It's complicated," she said, "he did love you, but he had to make a choice between staying in a relationship that he doubted would last, and that would either end with you dead or turned into a vampire, and he didn't want that kind of future for you. Thing is, though, he didn't really save you from anything."

My heart rate stated to accelerate. "What does that mean?"

"Truth is," her eyes lowered as if in shame, "I still see you becoming a vampire. And I still see you being a part of our family. Just not..." she paused, "with Edward."

I didn't understand. "Are you saying I'm going to get with Jasper? No offense, but he's really not my type. I mean he's gorgeous like all of you, but the shy and quiet type...we'd bore each other to death."

"You are similar in a way," Alice mused, "I suppose. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."

I wasn't letting her off the hook that easily. "Well if I'm not going to get with Jasper, and I'm not going to be with Edward, then was I going to turn to get Edward back, get rejected, and just keep hanging around?" The idea horrified me. My imagination ran wild with visions of me being just as clumsy and awkward as a vampire as I was as a human, pestering Edward and grabbing on to his leg while he tried to walk.

"No," she looked almost as uncomfortable as I was. "I really shouldn't have brought this up. Why don't you get some spaghetti? It should be good."

"I'll get some spaghetti if you'll tell me what's going on," I said stubbornly, "who's turning me into a vampire and why am I stalking your family?"

She took an unnecessary deep breath. "Okay. As far as I can see, you're not stalking anyone. It looks like I'm going to turn you."

My breath caught. "But why? You already said Edward won't take me back, so why would you want me hanging around pestering him?"

When I glanced at Alice's expression, she looked as frustrated as I was in ninth grade honors English class, trying to explain to some pep club drone what the mockingbird in "To Kill a Mockingbird" had to do with some black guy. Even without being sure of what I had done, I felt like an incredible idiot.

"Edward really has nothing to do with this. I know when you're with your first love it's hard to imagine that, but you have to ask yourself what you would do if Edward wasn't in the picture. If everything else was the same, but Edward was gone."

"I think you already know the answer to that," I said flatly, "I'd jump off a cliff."

"No, _no_. I think you're missing the point. If Edward had never been involved. The Cullens exist and so do vampires and werewolves, but for whatever reason, you and Edward had never hit it off. What would you do?"

I frowned, leaning back on the couch and trying to imagine. "I would have been asked out by a million desperate horny losers, and eventually I might have given one of them a chance. Mike and I would have had maybe one date and that would've been it. The 'new girl' hype would have worn off eventually and I would have been exactly where I was before I came here. A loser with virtually no friends."

Instead of looking at me like I was stupid, Alice looked like she felt sorry for me. "If you had never met Edward, who would you have wanted to be with? I'm just curious."

"No one I guess. I've never really been that interested in any other guy as more than a friend," I was beginning to get frustrated, wondering if there was a point to this relentless riddle.

"I felt the same way about Jasper," Alice breathed, "still do."

Finally, it hit me what she was trying to say, and my body recoiled involuntarily. "Are you saying...you mean, you can't mean..."

"That's what I thought. I saw you coming to Forks months before it happened, and every time a new decision was made, you'd fluctuate between me and Edward. On your first day, I was almost certain we had a future. But then Edward threw himself in front of a moving vehicle for you, and that was that. You seemed to really care about each other, and I figured he could make you happier than I could."

Now I was starting to get dizzy. In Arizona, I failed to even get _boys _to like me, much less vampires, werewolves, and...women. "Oh no. So our entire history as friends must have been hell for you. Fuck, you even helped me shower when I was in a cast..."

"I shouldn't have done that," she said glumly, "but your father practically shoved me after you when it was even suggested. I'm sorry, I should have told you. I just knew that you were Edward's entire life and I didn't want to do anything to hurt either of you."

"I'm not hurt, just extremely confused."

Alice nodded. "Have you ever thought about being with a girl before?"

"Look at me," I said, "I look like a tall twelve-year-old. Puberty for me began the moment I met Edward."

"Bella, you do _not _look like a twelve-year-old. I am a lot of things, but 'pedophile' isn't one of them."

So that settled it. We weren't waiting for some magical X factor to change things between us. Alice Cullen was already infatuated with me. "I can't say that the idea _totally _repulses me. It's just not, it's never what I would have expected. I mean, I guess I figure there's enough weird about me without me being a lesbian."

Alice laughed. "If I take you out for a day at the mall, get you a hot new look and take you out someplace nice, I can assure you nobody is going to think 'weird' when they see you."

"They'll think 'how did that ugly chick get _another _gorgeous Cullen,'" I said dully.

"So you think I'm gorgeous," her tone brightened, "should I be hopeful?"

I wasn't sure how to respond. "I don't want to be the magical creature community's equivalent of a fag hag. Dating Edward, then leading on a werewolf, then dating Edward's sister."

"Is that a good reason not to give me a chance if you want to?" Alice asked, wrapping a cold hand around mine. "I'll respect whatever decision you make, but whatever you choose, leave Edward and 'normality' out of it."

I nodded, wondering if it was hypocritical for a girl who had begged a vampire to turn her into a vicious bloodsucking newborn vampire to be wary of dating another woman. "Charlie would kill me."

"Charlie is just an overprotective dad," Alice said, "he'll act that way about anyone you date. You know it's true. Plus, you can't let him control your life forever."

I knew she was right. I took another good look at her and tried to imagine myself doing with her the kinds of things I had always figured I'd do with Edward someday. It sent a not entirely unwelcome shiver through my body. "But...if Edward is still upset about me, not over me yet, I really don't want to hurt him."

"That's why I didn't tell him where I was going," Alice explained, "part of why anyway."

"Sure but I worry if someday you come home with your new girlfriend, Bella, he's going to kill you," I said.

There was a part of me that wanted nothing more than to throw myself at Alice in front of Edward, letting him see that he didn't have power over me or my life anymore, but I wondered if that reason would really be fair to her. Then there was another part of me that wondered, legitimately wondered, if the girl Edward left behind could love Alice just for Alice's sake.

"It's okay if you don't know. I really can't blame you for having less of an idea at eighteen than I do in my hundreds," Alice sighed, "still. I can't tell you Edward won't be upset, but I can tell you that you don't owe him anything."

I shrugged. "It doesn't matter what I owe him. I'm still in love with him."

"I suppose you are," she said, "forget I mentioned it then."

I wondered if it was needlessly selfish that I was disappointed to see the conversation end at that. "I don't want to just forget it though. If I didn't love Edward, I'd probably say 'yes.' And even if I can't help who I love, I do have to wonder if I _should _love him."

"I'm not trying to turn you against my brother," Alice winced at her own words, "fuck that. Maybe I am. I'm sorry, I'm being really unfair to you. But just like love makes you do some unfair things, maybe it does that to me too."

"So...you're in _love _with me?" Perhaps it would have seemed obvious, but I hadn't quite known if her interest really existed beyond a crush.

She nodded. "Either of us could protect you just as well as the other. I won't leave like he would, and he wouldn't make you shop like I would I suppose."

"My therapist did say I love Edward for security. Oh God, I don't want to have to choose against him."

"But you're considering it?" Alice asked. "You didn't consider it with Jacob, did you?"

I shook my head. "Jacob isn't my type."

"Do you even know what your type is?" she asked.

"I know it when I see it."

"Since Edward has left, I've seen his mind change a thousand times. He has considered coming back and considered not coming back, but either way I've never seen you two together forever. Even when he's considering coming back, you get stronger and more confident and believe it or not he starts to need you more than you need him."

"I don't want to hurt either of you. If I wait for Edward to magically change his mind, you're going to get hurt and it might not even work, but if I don't, I'll feel like I'm using you to get over him," I sighed.

"Well then, let's look at it this way. If I didn't have future vision, we'd have a good night together knowing that the possibility was there and just see what happens. Ultimately, you care about both of us and when you care even a little bit about two people in a romantic sense, _someone _will get hurt. It depends on who would make you happier, so before you make up your mind why don't you find out for yourself if I drive you crazy or not?"

I smiled vaguely, wondering why that hadn't been the first conclusion we reached. "Don't put this all on yourself," I said, "you never know _I _won't drive _you _crazy."

"I know you'll drive me crazy. But I wouldn't have it any other way."


	3. Gossip

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews so far, I really appreciate them. I know some of you are concerned with how still stuck on Edward Bella is, but I want to write this story without completely discounting her relationship and painful infatuation with Edward. It will take some time but I assure you Alice won't give up easily. This chapter is a little shorter than I'd like, but it's kind of transitional, establishing how we'll be keeping Alice in this story.

I felt like I was stuffing my face tonight. After the spaghetti, there were some chips Charlie bought, and ice cream. It figured that Charlie would buy ice cream after I supposedly tried to kill myself, like the hospital visit had just been for a tonsillectomy or something else that could be cured with a little TLC and ice cream. Alice seemed relieved to see me eating, and I wondered if her visions had shown her how little I had eaten since Edward left. I wasn't exactly anorexic, but I was definitely a less healthy skinny than I had been before. My stomach wasn't quite used to being full anymore, and my stomach was starting to sting.

Pushing the lid on the ice cream pint, I waddled to the kitchen, clutching my bloated abdomen, and shoved it into the fridge. I wasn't standing up straight anymore by the time I turned to come back, and Alice was by my side before I noticed her move.

"Bella, what's going on?"

"Don't vampires ever get bloated?" I asked, groaning when she picked me up like a feather and carried me back to the couch.

"That's what bloating is like?" Alice didn't look convinced. "I'm sorry. This is my fault."

I was completely floored. "_Your _fault? How in the world do you explain that?"

"I left and I let Edward leave. I saw you stop eating, and I thought it would be a good idea to push food on you tonight. I remember Carlisle saw a patient from Forks High School about an eating disorder, and he encouraged her to work up slowly so she wouldn't overwhelm her stomach. Not that I'm saying you have an eating disorder."

God help me, I was curious as to who it was. "You probably don't know her," Alice said, "she graduated when I was a 'sophomore,'" she made quotation marks with her fingers.

Help me again for having hoped it was Lauren or Jessica or someone else for whom self-worth seemed to come easily. "Lauren doesn't have self-esteem, are you kidding me?" Alice laughed. "I'd almost say that girl is a bigger mess than you are."

"How do you know so much about her?" I asked. "I thought you only really kept track of people who mattered to you."

She sighed. "After she realized Edward was never going to be interested in her, she sort of shifted her focus to Jasper for a while. It was a pretty big mess trying to keep things under control. She's a predator and Jasper was finding it difficult to find any reason in his heart not to end things the vampire way."

I shuddered. "So what did you do?"

"I eventually made it very clear to her that he was my boyfriend and that I wasn't going to put up with her crap. I still had to follow him everywhere, she only really backed off if she knew I could see her doing it."

I nodded. "That doesn't surprise me. It was like, as soon as Edward was willing to date _someone_, she figured sooner or later he'd realize she was prettier and less clumsy and more interesting than me. She never stopped waiting for her chance."

It was then that the thought occurred to me. Edward might have been celibate and without a partner for a century, but now that he had had a brief taste of a relationship, would he want that again with someone else? I had always counted on his fear of hurting humans to protect me from this bitter possibility, but surely there was a vampire out there who could satisfy him without making him worry like I did.

"You know I don't see it for a while," Alice responded to my unvoiced concerns. "Edward won't be alone forever, but it'll be a while."

"Will she be prettier than me?" I crossed my arms stubbornly at my chest.

Alice sighed. "Who cares?"

I was slightly taken aback. This was the first time Alice had ever really straight-up invalidated me in a moment of self-down-talk. "_I _do."

"Edward will find someone when _he's _better, not when you're better," Alice explained, looking strained to keep her tone neutral, "and the same goes for you."

"But couldn't I turn into a vampire and wait? What if I didn't see him until he was ready, that way we wouldn't hurt anything trying to be together too soon," my hope was starting to flutter just a little bit. "I'm sorry. I'm really being unfair to you, aren't I?"

She didn't deny it. "And Jacob. And to Edward too. Edward left because he knew he could hurt you and he didn't want to put you through that."

"_Yeah_?" I snapped, shocked by my own defensiveness, "well he did a great job."

"He probably did a better job than he would have if he stayed," Alice sighed.

I shrugged. "And _that _is supposed to matter to me? Really?" Another wave of agony shot through my stomach, and I was gripping it in fetal position on the couch.

"I don't blame you for being upset," her tone was gentler than before, and I felt a bit guilty, "but eventually you're going to have to decide something. And that something can't be to spend your entire life waiting for Edward," her voice was turning serious and I wondered if this was her way of worrying and obsessing over me like Edward used to. Or maybe she was trying to tell me that the obsessing was the problem.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I really shouldn't talk to you about Edward when you..."

"Not about me," she asserted with a challenging smile. "I admit I have a soft spot for troubled girls, but even if you were interested, I'd want to keep it pretty chaste until I knew you were a bit more together."

The potential costs of actually taking what she was saying to heart were a bit much for me. "You're saying I'm not ready for a relationship?"

"Everybody is ready to try to be loved," Alice said, "but I don't want you to think that I'm just trying to get into your pants, especially when you're hurting this much."

"Because you want me to fit into my pants first?" I grumbled sarcastically, fingering the belt attaching my jeans.

I didn't quite understand how I could be so mean to Alice. Alice was every straight guy and lesbian's dream come true, and if you were really trying to turn a straight girl gay she was probably the best woman for the job. Still, knowing that she was trying to replace Edward made me resent her all the same.

She shook her head. "I want you to be healthy first. And I want to know that it's what _you _want."

"I'm sorry," I burrowed into the couch, wanting to make myself disappear, "you're being way too nice, with me acting like this."

"I kind of braced myself for this a long time ago," she said, "I've known more or less how this evening was going to go for at least a month or two now."

That wasn't what I needed to hear. "So when do I get over Edward?"

"You've thought about doing it a few times tonight, you'll think about it some more tomorrow, and ultimately when where and how is up to you," she said, "your mind can always change and I don't want to take away your choice by slapping a date on a decision you haven't even made yet."

After a bit more bantering, we made a final agreement not to talk about us or Edward for the rest of the evening. I should have been relieved, but found that talking about _neither _of the people my heart was pondering was a task. Alice was good at keeping the conversation going, bringing up cute stores and local music and the lousy school she went to in Without Bella-ville where Edward still lived. I only half-listened, my mind constantly searching for ways to tell her half-truthfully that I was ready to accept her if only to make it less bitchy for me to ask for a hug. She was too worried about me to let me sleep in my own bed, so we set up camp downstairs and I fell asleep with the strange thought that she would be watching me all night. I remembered after the initial shock of realizing that Edward had been stalking me through my window, how safe I used to feel knowing that someone braver and stronger who above all else loved me was there holding me while I slept. I felt a smile form on my lips for the first time in months, realizing that Alice was there now.

I fell asleep feeling a bit too happy and dreamt myself back in the forest where Edward left me. I was wandering aimlessly through fog, and everywhere I turned was just nothingness. Then, out of nowhere the sun came out and poured its light onto the petite figure of a pixie. Alice was there, and she was smiling. The relief was so overwhelming, I felt fuzzy and warm despite the still-dampness of my surroundings. Completely uninhibited, I ran to her and let her kiss me in ways that Edward had always been afraid to. In this moment, I was fine with being Alice's and knew that she was right, Edward wasn't ready for me. Edward wanted to love me, but couldn't even bear to touch me. Alice was different. She was ready.

Just as I finally pulled away for the oxygen I alone needed, I saw a figure in the distance staring at me with more disgust than the first day he met me. Instead of running to him, desperately trying to memorize every detail of the beautiful face that was fading from my memory, I fell to the ground dejected and cold.

I woke up feeling the same terror I always did, at the prospect of living my entire life in lonely agony, but was rescued by a pair of cold arms around me and a female voice telling me it was okay. The dream was gone, but Alice wasn't. Knowing this, for real, was enough to help me fall back asleep without remembering a dream. When I woke up again, Alice _was _gone and I experienced momentary panic.

"You awake Bells?" called Charlie's voice from the kitchen.

I nodded, then realized he couldn't see me and called out, "where's Alice?"

"She told me her mother was coming up and they were going to figure out a way for her to go back to Forks High School for the rest of her time here," Charlie explained, "would you mind coming into the kitchen?"

I obliged and found him standing over a frying pan filled with lumpy yellow puss. "Dad, what are you doing?" I took the pan handle and spatula from him and struggled to flip the goo over. "You should've let me do this."

Seeing his expression, I got the feeling that cooking whatever that was had been important to him and felt guilty. "You were on the right track, you just needed to flip it over sooner."

His expression softened and he turned the stove off. "Maybe you can show me how you'd do it after I clean up this mess, but I didn't call you in here to help you cook. I wanted to talk to you about Alice."

"About Alice?" I prayed she hadn't mentioned anything that set off his probably non-existent gaydar.

"I know I've probably sounded like I'm nagging you not to abandon your old friends, but this is exactly why. I never even knew you and Alice were so close but it seems like you're one of her main reasons for coming back to Forks," he frowned, "it would make sense though I guess, that she isn't closer to her family. Do you know how long she's been with the Cullens?"

I used Edward's deflective phrase, "a while."

"Edward is probably the only teenager from around here who doesn't want to fall in love with you or be your best friend," Charlie said, "I know you're not really interested in most of them, but you seemed glad to see Alice. She seems like a healthier person for you to be around than Edward anyway. I know you've got Jacob and that Mike kid, but I think you need at least one friend who isn't in love with you."

Since I couldn't begin to address the last part, I started with Edward. "There was nothing unhealthy about Edward," I was unable to keep a straight face, so I stared at the floor.

Charlie laughed. "I know he's probably had some rough times growing up, what with losing his family so young and having to adjust to an adoptive family but I've never really known anyone who was crabby that much of the time. All I'm saying is, as long as Alice keeps that brother of hers out of here I think she'd be a good influence on you."

If he only knew.

--

People at Forks High School were just as obsessed with me today as they were on my first day of school, but instead of discussing how to become my best friend or lover, they were debating rumors and placing bets on when I'd snap.

"You think she did it because of Edward?" a girl I didn't recognize asked Lauren in a faux-whisper that was clearly meant to be heard.

"It probably isn't my business," Lauren said dramatically, "but I suppose if you _really _want my opinion, I kind of have to feel sorry for the girl. It's not like she has any friends without her Cullens. I'm sure if I were as clumsy and unpopular as her, I'd probably jump off a cliff too."

I frowned. As much as I didn't want to care what Lauren Mallory thought of me, she was right. Without the Cullens, I was nothing. It was still on my mind when I spotted Alice, wandering alone with a tray prop at lunch.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I wouldn't be much of a friend if I let you do this alone," she said. "Where do you want to sit?"

"Somewhere not at Forks," I said glumly.

"I doubt it helps you that Lauren Mallory is going to get pregnant and drop out of college," Alice said glumly.

It didn't _help_, but it was amusing in a rather ugly way. "Where are you staying?"

"Esme is hooking Jasper and me up with an apartment," Alice explained, "she didn't want me here all by myself and Jasper doesn't like to be too far away from me."

"Won't that look weird to the people you're hiding from?"

She shrugged. "No weirder than a family of beautiful golden eyed people who skip school when it's pretty outside," she said.

"Good point."

We still weren't sitting down, and finally Alice asked, "who do I need to beat up for you?"

"What?" I knew she couldn't mean literally, but I was still rather confused.

"Wait here," she said. She skipped gracefully over to Lauren and Jessica's table, which was within earshot of my waiting position.

"Uhh...hi...Alice," Jessica looked remarkably uncomfortable and I was already enjoying this a little. "You're back in Forks?"

She nodded. "Just me. Jasper's coming in a couple days, but otherwise I'm all alone here with no one to talk to," her tone was cheerful, "so mind if I sit with you?"

Neither Lauren nor Jessica had the gall to deny her. "Sure why not?" Lauren asked.

"So what were you guys talking about?" Alice smiled. "I hope you weren't gossiping about Bella like the rest of the school."

I could tell Jessica was getting irritated. "Look Alice, you weren't here when things got weird with her."

"So I don't know?" Alice guessed.

Lauren laughed, almost villainously. "You have _no_ idea, she was coming to school late all the time and Jessica said she went chasing after some sleazy back alley gangbangers after they saw a movie together and apparently now she's jumping off cliffs."

"Do you actually know what was happening, or do you just spread gossip about girls who are prettier than you?" Alice's tone remained completely neutral and without spite.

"Excuse me?" Lauren stiffened and Jessica looked like she was holding in a laugh.

Alice smiled sweetly. "I'm sorry. I should've been a little more specific. Edward chose Bella instead of you because Bella wasn't using him to make other girls jealous. And she's a mess right now because she was in a relationship for no other reason than love, something that I doubt a girl who stalked my boyfriend for an entire year would understand, and she _knew _that falling in love came with the risk of getting hurt and she did it anyway because she cared about him. And he did a really shitty thing by leaving her, but she's going to get over him and find someone better while you sit around picking on people to compensate for being too scared to let down the bitch act for five minutes to actually let a decent guy get to know you."

She left, looking rather pleased with herself. I had never heard Alice act like a snotty teenage girl before, but I couldn't complain. "You really think I'm prettier than her?" I looked over doubtfully at Lauren, whose hair alone probably cost at least fifty dollars.

"Come on," Alice gave me a withering look, "a _little _makeup might flatter you, but you have to show more respect for it than that."

Lauren got up and stomped over to Alice, her heels reverberating on the tile floor. "_Just _so you know, your fruity brothers are the only boys who have _ever _turned me down. I don't need to take this crap from you."

If I weren't uncomfortable with confrontation, I might have laughed at how pathetic she sounded. Alice just shrugged. "I suppose if you want to keep having the same relationships you've been having, you're absolutely right."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Lauren asked.

"I don't need to explain this any further," Alice said. When Lauren realized it was useless to keep pushing it, she stomped back to her table and took a seat. "Isn't there anyone at this school who isn't completely vapid?"

It only now occurred to me to look for Angela. "Yeah, but I don't see her."

"Guess it's the Cullen table for us then," Alice laughed, "funny how they just left it here for us."

I agreed and took a seat, trying to devour my lunch in what time we had left. "I've never seen you be a bitch before," I said when I had a moment.

"I've got two things on my side. One, I'm perpetually a hormonal teenager who can do as she pleases and two, as long as I have my confidence I want to use it to make your life a little less impossible."

Somehow, Alice penetrating Lauren's bitch walls felt almost like the emotional equivalent of Edward throwing himself in front of a van. If I didn't chase her off, I had a protector again.

"If I did decide to take you up on...you know," I said, feeling shyer than ever, "would you...you know...admit to people that you're with me and you're not with Jasper anymore?"

She shrugged. "I like to be honest when I can be, but if you're not up for it I'm also a very experienced liar. Of course, if you _did _decide to date me I'd want everyone to know how lucky I am."

What was it with immortal creatures possessing god/dess-like beauty pursuing me, then referring to _themselves _as the lucky ones?


	4. Lexapro

A/N: This chapter deals with Bella's experience on an antidepressant. This mimics my own experience, but I don't pretend that everyone who goes on an SSRI will feel this way. So bear with her for a while longer :-).

When I returned home from school, Charlie was sitting at the kitchen table, holding a prescription pill bottle. "Have you been taking your medication?"

I stopped in the doorway, most likely doing the eyes-wandering, slow pained-breathing thing I did when I lied. "Yeah, why?"

"This bottle hasn't been touched," he gave the child's safety lock the extra yank a new bottle needed to prove his point.

"I don't really believe in that stuff, Dad," I said tersely, "I heard that there's really mixed research about SSRIs and I don't feel safe taking it."

I figured Alice, my source for this concern, might have exaggerated the dangers of antidepressants out of concern for me, but I trusted her when she said that Carlisle wasn't totally behind their use either.

"Really?" his expression was dubious. "And where did you hear this?" If I told him the truth, it would open an unnecessary can of worms. I tried to take the bottle away from him, but he would not loosen his grip. "I want you to take it now," he said. "I don't want to baby you, but I don't trust you to take them on your own."

My mind was desperately searching for the reasons Alice had outlined to me why you should be careful with SSRIs. "But if you're really depressed then these things can make you more suicidal and from what I've heard a lot of people get really zombied out on them. I don't want to do this."

"That's what your therapist is for," Charlie said sternly.

"Therapists don't monitor medication," I wondered if he could seriously be unaware of that.

"We'll get you a psychiatrist. But I don't want you getting worse because you were too stubborn take your medication," I had never heard Charlie take charge like this before, but it seemed like my jump off the cliff had sharply changed him.

Feeling scared after the lecture Alice had given me, I twisted the bottle cap off and put a pill in my mouth, swallowing it dry. It was a bad idea, and the hateful thing got trapped in my throat. When I ran to the sink and sent it flying down the drain, Charlie was at my side with another pill and a glass of water. Grudgingly, I took both and sulked up the stairs to my computer.

For the first time in months, Alice's screen name, _psychicpixie_ was online. It was nice to see, another indication that she was really back.

bellaswan17 - Charlie made me take the pill.

_psychicpixie is typing_

psychicpixie - Made you? What happened?

bellaswan17 - I get home, and he's sitting there with the bottle and he made me take it in front of him. I tried to tell him what you said but it was pointless.

psychicpixie - I don't trust those things. Mental health treatment may have changed since my day, but it's still not even close to perfect. I don't want you to get hurt.

bellaswan17 - I know. I'm sorry,

psychicpixie - It's not your fault. I can't believe Charlie is being so dense.

psychicpixie - I'm sorry, I shouldn't call your dad dense.

bellaswan17 - Maybe you should.

For the next few weeks, I would feel happy for a few moments at a time. During these moments, I'd be ready to run from Charlie's house to Alice's apartment, not caring about tripping or running out of breath or looking like an idiot, and throw myself at her. But the moment I had my sweater on, I'd start to wonder why Alice would want me in the first place. Even if she did want me, I didn't want her. I didn't want anybody. I wanted Edward. It was strange, objectively, how the sadder I felt, the more I loved him. The longer and more I took Lexapro, the less clear my mind was. I just got more and more confused, less and less interested in people, until I finally cut everyone out altogether. It only took about three weeks for me to completely re-isolate myself.

I finally agreed to see Jacob on a random Friday afternoon, when I was still avoiding Alice. He waited at the door for me, a combination of puppy like affection and moderate disgust. Alice's scent was probably still fresh in this place.

"So the bloodsucker's back?" he asked, as we walked outside.

I nodded. "Alice and Jasper are back."

His scowl indicated he wasn't satisfied, "_Only_ Alice and Jasper?"

"Yes," I said, my tone giving nothing away.

"And you're okay with that?" Jacob asked. "If your bloodsucker isn't coming back for you, then what business do _they _have coming here?"

I shrugged. "Edward's not coming back. Ever. Alice liked Forks and decided she wanted to finish high school here. Happy?"

Proudly, he said, "yes. Yes. VERY," but when my expression didn't change, he said, "you're still never going to give up on him, are you?"

"Maybe," I said coolly. I knew he was leading me to La Push, which in his mind was the safest place on Earth. I wondered.

"_Maybe_?" he cocked his head to one side. "So if I offered again, I _might _have a chance?"

"You can try," I said nonchalontly.

He smiled faintly. "Okay then. Bella. We've been friends since we were kids, and you're the only girl I want to be with. There are plenty of gorgeous girls in my life, plenty who might even want me, but none of them are like you. You're the one that I want to be with. Will you _please _give me a chance?"

"No."

His face fell and I almost enjoyed it. Almost. "Is this some kind of game? Bella, I don't get it."

"Jake..." I breathed. "Jake, I'm sorry. I'm...God...I don't even care. I don't care _who _flirts with me, I don't care if you change right here and rip my throat out. I just don't fucking care."

I fell to a sitting position, and he followed, insisting on looking at my face. I didn't want him to look at me, and I certainly didn't want to look at him. Eye contact would break me now. "Did those doctors put you on something?" Jacob asked. "I remember when Leah started birth control, she was..."

"So that's what you assume," at this point I was purely antagonizing him, "that I'm just _hormonal_. On something. Well for the record I _am _on something. Lexapro."

He shook his head. "What is it doing to you?"

"It's _supposed _to be regulating my depression. But I feel barely alive, Jake. I haven't even let Alice near me since..."

"Since what?" his curiosity was piqued.

"Since I called her sobbing about how I wasn't good enough for her brother, she came over for comfort, and I couldn't let her even hug me. It just felt awful, my skin crawled at contact. I freaked out and told her to leave, and that was it. I haven't had a chance to apologize and I haven't even wanted to," I wondered if it was worthwhile telling Jacob about this, but wasn't sure if I cared.

"Well _good_," he chuckled in amusement, "I would've freaked too if that bloodsucker touched me."

I groaned. "Jake...I happen to like that bloodsucker. But right now, everyone makes me sick."

He reached out to touch my shoulder. "Everyone?"

I jerked away, feeling very not-amused. "What is your problem?"

"What is yours?" he asked. "You're finally rid of that bloodsucker and you're chasing after new ones."

My heart flinched at the word "chasing." I definitely had not been chasing Alice, but even if I had been, it was hardly as if she'd mind. In truth, I wasn't nearly that cocky about it, but my mental defensiveness was getting the better of me.

"Who said I was chasing after Alice?" I asked. "Alice is a girl."

"Hell if that matters," Jacob said, "not like she wouldn't still drink your blood if given half a chance."

I seethed. "Trust me, she has had more than half a chance more than once and never has. Hate Edward if you want, but leave Alice alone. And if you _can't _leave Alice alone, at least recognize that I'm on medications that are really fucking with me and I don't want to deal with this right now."

"Can't you talk to your doctor or something? Isn't someone supposed to be watching, making sure the stuff is working?" his voice was softer than before, less angry.

I shrugged. "I wouldn't know. I see Dr. Whoever the Hell on Thursday, but until then I'm pretty much stuck."

"Don't be _stuck_, Bella," Jacob pleaded, "you've done enough of that. I think you're depressed because everybody else is always trying to control your life, and now these anti-depressants are just more of the same shit."

I knew Jacob meant well. He always did, but right now I highly doubted he knew what I was going through.

"Okay then," I said, "I'll just go off them cold turkey and see what happens."

"Bella don't be stupid," was his response.

I finally pushed myself up, clumps of dirt sticking to my red knuckles. A second went by, and my heart started pounding uncontrollably. Pounding because, at a moment's notice, it knew it needed to do something the rest of me wasn't ready for. "Jake," I breathed, "I need to be honest with you about something."

"Anytime," he made a clean, graceful leap to his feet from the ground.

"Right, well," I started to walk a bit faster than he was, so I wouldn't have to look him directly in the eye. "I'm not sure if Edward is really the right person for me. But even if he isn't, Jacob, I'm sorry but...I just don't see...I don't see...I..." His eyes demonstrated that he was hanging on my every word. I swallowed hard. "I don't see you as more than a friend. I'm really sorry."

His hands on his waist, Jacob bit his lower lip and looked almost as vulnerable as his now nonexistent sixteen-year-old self I used to call _my _Jacob. I knew he wanted to cry, but also didn't want me to see. "There's someone else, isn't there?"

I couldn't deny it. "I don't exactly know yet. But there might be."

"Who is it?" his hands balled into fists. "That Mike asshole we went to the movies with? Bella, come _on_! Whoever this guy is..."

"It's not a guy, Jacob," I wondered if that was telling him too much, but at the same time I wondered if my potential lesbianism would soften the blow a bit.

Jacob's eyebrows raised in shock. "Not a guy? You mean...a girl? You don't know any girls! I thought you hated all the girls at your school."

"I do," I said. "It's..." I worried that if I came out and said it was Alice, that the entire pack would be ready to destroy her. Then again, if they couldn't attack Edward while he dated me, they certainly couldn't attack Alice, could they?

"Okay," I sighed, "it's Alice."

Jacob shout a muffled, "FUCK," into his hands. "Of all the people, of _all _the people you could go to after Edward..."

"It doesn't make sense to me either," I said, "you know how Edward can read minds, well, expect mine, right?"

He nodded. "I don't see what that has to do with this, but go on."

"Well Alice can see people's futures. And she says she sees us together, and I can't say I entirely hate the idea," I said, "of course right now the idea of anybody getting close to me just creeps me out. But before these damned pills, I didn't hate the idea."

"So you're telling me you're gay then?" Jacob asked. "You don't want me because you're gay?"

I wasn't entirely sure if that was true, and my previous love for Edward was leaning me more towards bisexual I thought, but I knew that knowing _no _man had a chance would make this a lot easier on my friend. "I think so," I said.

"Okay, but for all the jokes people used to make about Edward having a man-gina," he groaned, "Edward was a _man_. Still is I think. What's up with that?"

Somehow, I hadn't thought this far ahead in the conversation. "I don't know," I admitted, "I've thought about it a lot since she brought it up and well...there's a part of me that likes the idea of being with Alice. Being with anybody else just felt like lying to myself, betraying myself even, but Alice actually feels like moving on."

"I guess if you have to be with a blood sucker," he shuddered, "she's not the worst you could do. Still, I'm not going to stop worrying about you. And if that bloodsucker gets even the _tiniest _bit out of line, I will destroy her."

He turned and started to leave. "Where are you going?" I started to run alongside him, but his power stride kept getting faster.

"We'll talk again, sometime. I just need to be able to be heartbroken for a while," he said.

Watching him leave was one of the worst feelings in the world, because I realized I had just done to him a portion of what Edward did to me.

----

Late Sunday evening, I was lying dead in my bed, sporadic intervals of sobs and shivers overtaking my body, when I heard rustling in the tree outside my room. My ever hopeful mind thought of Edward, but instead saw Alice, knocking lightly on my window. _Edward never knocked_, I thought, _he did whatever he wanted_.

I opened it for her, and she came in, looking a bit embarrassed. "I wouldn't have done it this way, but you're not answering your phone!" she looked angry. "I've been really worried, please don't do that to me again."

"What's the big deal?" I crawled back into bed, under a blanket. "Couldn't you just see in your visions that I was alright?"

She shook her head. "You must have been with that werewolf boy," she said, "I can't see a thing when werewolves get involved."

Now I truly was sorry. "I haven't had my meds," tears were falling from my eyes, "I didn't take them. I couldn't. I felt too awful. I want to die, Alice. I want to fucking die."

"Can I come over there?" she asked.

I nodded and she crawled into bed beside me, her cold arms around my hot flesh. She looked so beautiful, her spiky hair straightened and smoothed around her face, her lips full and pouty with a mauve lipstick, and her breasts partially revealed with a respectable low-cut blouse. I didn't deserve her. With all the sobbing I was doing, I probably looked even uglier next to her.

"Did you stop taking your meds without a doctor?" Alice sighed. "Don't let her put you on Celexa. She'll try when you see her on Thursday, but trust me. You're experiencing some nasty withdrawal, I've seen this happen to Carlisle's patients. If you don't want to take the pills, and they're not doing anything for you, don't let anyone force you."

"Why does everyone think I can't even make my own decisions? I wasn't even going to take these things, but Charlie made me. I just felt so lifeless, and I knew I felt horrible but I couldn't even reach it. Before you, the _only _person who didn't try to have complete control over everything in my life was Jacob. And I just told him he doesn't have a chance in hell with me."

"When did this happen?" Alice asked.

"Friday," I said. "I told Jacob about you."

She sighed. "This won't end well. You didn't mention that I might turn you someday, did you?"

"No," I said.

"Good. Carlisle warned me that their treaty forbids us to turn people _anywhere_. So if I want to turn you, we're going to have to go through La Push first."

Not even wanting to think about La Push, I asked, "how does Carlisle feel about you going after Edward's sloppy seconds?"

"Don't refer to yourself that way," Alice said, "he understands."

"Then Edward knows," I breathed, "and he doesn't care."

"I doubt it," she said, "nobody thinks about it around him. Carlisle is pretty good at that.'

"So why doesn't Carlisle have a problem with us?" I asked.

She smiled. "So there _is _an us? Maybe?"

"Maybe," I repeated.

It was enough to make her squeeze me tighter, looking rather pleased. "He's known for a long time that both of us cared about you. He told us that the decision was ultimately yours though, and that we both had to respect what you chose."

"So Edward knew you had feelings for me?" I asked.

"I doubt he knew the full extent of it, but yes I think so. Edward's a little weird when it comes to homosexuality though, I really don't think he knew how serious I was," she sighed, "he's a bit old-fashioned."

"But you were interested and Edward knew it. I could have just been with you in the first place, but I got with Edward and let myself become a mess. This is terrific," I said.

"I think both of us have done enough regretting about that," Alice's fingers started to move through my hair, "it's not worth it anymore. We have eternity and we're trying now. That counts for something, doesn't it?"

I couldn't disappoint her. "Of course," I said, before falling back into her for another round of sobs.

A/N: I wish I had Alice to help me with _my _Lexapro withdrawal a couple months ago.


	5. Perhaps

A/N: Sorry it has been so long since I've updated. This is the busiest semester of my life and I recently got over H1N1 (swine flu). I just saw New Moon and I got _inspired_ to work on this some more. As a general review response: yes, it is possible that Bella is using Alice a bit, but remember that for their relationship to work I have to make Bella reconsider her 800 pages of going on about how gorgeous and amazing Edward is. Her depression/emotional mess will last for a while even as they get together. Hope it works.

I woke up a few times during the night, and every time Alice would say, "I'm still here." I'd look at her, nod, and go back to sleep.

I woke up to my alarm and Alice pulled away from me, allowing me to recover from the startle. "I saw you talking to me," she said, "after we left. You were sitting alone in your house, by the window. And you were talking to _me_."

"If you saw that," I said, "why didn't you answer any of my e-mails? Or call me? Or at least let me know that _all _of you didn't hate me."

I regretted my words the moment I said them. Alice looked legitimately hurt. "I knew you'd ask me that," she said, "but somehow knowing the future doesn't always help you prepare for it."

My heart was aching, more than it had since Edward left. This wasn't the emptiness I was used to, but actual pain. Being stabbed with hurt. I remembered when Edward told me he didn't want me anymore, I asked him if Alice was leaving too.

"Shit," my breath sped into heavy pants.

"What?"

"Alice...Edward didn't break my heart all by himself," I said, "I thought he did. I thought he was the only reason I was hurting. I knew he had issues being with a human, I knew I wasn't good enough for him. It was easy enough just to be mad at _myself_ and leave him out of it. But it wasn't just him."

"Bella I'm..."

"When he told me he was leaving," I said, "he told me the rest of you were already gone. I asked...I asked him if that meant you too. I wrote you e-mails, more than I can remember. I would talk to you when you weren't there...God. I'm pathetic. I don't even know why...it was just...I guess...I _knew _Edward didn't love me anymore, but I never even got to say goodbye to you. And I couldn't believe that you would just...give up on me over what happened with Jasper."

"I didn't give up on you, Bella," she said, "but they all told me it would be best for _you _if none of us were around anymore. Even when my visions showed me otherwise, they told me my feelings were clouding my judgment. Carlisle supports me now, but it took a lot of convincing."

I was still reeling from the realization. Alice broke my heart. _Alice_. A girl. These past months, I had been mourning them both. I loved them both.

"I thought," I said, "I thought you were a sister to me. I thought that was why I missed you so much. Because you were the sister and best friend I never had."

"You don't know how hard I _tried _to be only a sister to you," she said.

Knowing it wasn't right, or fair, I pulled Alice close to me and put my arms around her. "What if I'm not gay? What if I find out I'm straight and break your heart? And what about Edward? What's he going to do if you bring me home for Christmas?"

"He's going to own up to the fact that he let an amazing girl go," Alice said, "a girl who has every right to date me if she wants."

"I hate dances," I told her, "if we date, are you going to make me go to them?"

She smiled. "You know the only reason I was so insistent on you going to prom last year was so I could dress you up for it."

"And see me in a bra?" I blushed.

"Oh God," she sighed, "when we took showers together after you broke your leg, I hope you don't think...but I mean...I should've said no but I figured I'd be less embarrassing than...and I couldn't exactly ask Rosalie so..."

"I know," I said, "it's okay. And...remember you told me that you saw us together, in one version of my future?"

"How could I forget?" she asked.

"Right...well...how _together _were we exactly?" I asked. "Are we talking like...romantic walks on the beach together or are we talking...uhm..."

She started rummaging through her overnight bag. "A bit of both."

"Am I..." I sighed, "okay?"

"Of course," she said, "I'm not going to kill you making love, Bella. My control isn't quite as good as Carlisle's but I mean..."

"No," I said, "I mean...am I okay _at doing it_?"

"Oh," she said, "oh! Wow...I must really not be paying attention because I did not see that coming. You really aren't afraid of us at all, are you?"

"I've always been a lot more afraid of being alone," I said.

"Off the subject," she said, "what do you think of these?"

She held up an outfit that looked like it cost at least $200. There was a deep plum sleeveless tunic with ruffles at the collar and a fancy belt in the middle. The pants were dark-washed skinny jeans, a style I had never worn in my life, and the jacket had a high collar and flared at the bottom.

"Wow...they're...Charlie's going to wonder where I got that."

"You haven't seen the shoes," she fished a pair of high-heeled Patton leather ballet shoes out of the bag, "they're a low heel because I don't want you _that _much taller than me."

"_Heels_?" I asked. "I can't wear heels. I can barely walk in vans."

"Okay," she retrieved a similar pair that was completely flat, "I brought these just in case."

"Why _just in case_?" I asked. "You knew exactly how I'd react to seeing heels."

"I know," she said, "just wanted to plant the seed in your head. These are a pretty good first pair of heels."

"What's the point of me learning to walk as a human?" I asked. "You yourself said I'm going to be a vampire someday anyway, and then I'll be able to climb _trees _in heels."

"I don't want you to become a vampire because you think you aren't good enough as a human," she said.

"I want to help you have self-esteem as a _human_ before you decide to give it up forever," she said, "either way, to me you look like Bella. I don't care if you're a glittery Bella or not. Now try these on."

I took the outfit from her and she was polite enough to turn around without me having to ask. We had showered together before, but it was a bit different now that there was possibility between us.

I heard knocking on the door and wondered if I should try to hide Alice. Just in case, she ducked into the closet.

"I'm awake, Dad," I said. "I'm getting ready."

"Were you talking to someone?" he asked.

"Uhm..." I opened the door. "Alice called. I was talking to her."

"Oh. Wow, Bells. I don't think I've seen that outfit before."

"Alice uhm...lent it to me. Yesterday," I said. "You know how she is."

"Well you look good," he said, "anyway I just wanted to make sure you were up."

I felt embarrassed at the fact that my father had to help me get up these days, like I was in elementary school.

Alice and I spent most of the day at school together, with Jasper tagging along a bit. By about lunch time, I asked him, "is this weird for you?"

"Of course not," he said, "what happened at your birthday was a total slipup and Bella I _promise_ I..."

"No, not that," I said, "_this_. Me with your...Alice."

He raised his eyebrows with obvious interest. "You didn't tell me she _accepted_," he said to Alice.

She responded before I had to try. "She's still thinking about it," Alice's tone was cheerful as usual, with a subtle hint of frustration.

I liked seeing Alice happy. Alice could make _anyone _feel happy. In the moment, I wanted everything: Edward, Jasper, my depression, this whole school and the whole world except the patch of it we inhabited to go away so only _she _would matter in my decision. She started talking to Jasper, laughing at something he was saying, and I felt my heart flinch a little bit.

"Alice," I said softly.

When she turned around, her attention focused entirely on me, like what I was about to say was the most important thing in the world. "Yeah?"

"Can we talk...somewhere? Anywhere?"

She nodded. "We'll be a few minutes, Jazz."

He grinned. "How many."

"About seven and a half, give or take twelve seconds," she responded without much interest and followed me to the hallway outside the cafeteria.

When we reached the hallway, I felt my hand take Alice's before I realized what I was doing. "I...I hate being alone and I hate feeling like I owe it to someone else to be miserable all the time."

"That's good."

"And...there's more," I said, "this isn't just going to end in me whining I swear."

"I know," she smiled.

"So do I still have to say it?" I asked. "Since you know already."

Realizing we were blocking hall traffic, she pulled me to the side. "You conveniently have a dentist's appointment today," she said, "so you can tell me somewhere else."

"A dentist appointment?" I asked as she dragged me out by the arm. "What?"

"Me already knowing everything you're going to say before you say it kind of ruins the fun for you," she said, "so I have to make it up to you somehow. Get in," she motioned to her car.

"Where's..."

"Your truck is at my house," she said, "where it will stay safely hidden in the garage until you're supposed to be home from school."

I shuddered, putting my seatbelt on. "You would make an excellent kidnapper."

"What else is new?" she asked. "You must think all of us are completely creepy. How many of us have kidnapped, stalked, or tried to kill you now?"

"Only three," I said, with a nervous laugh. "I think."

"I'm sorry," she said, "you were about to tell me something and I ruined the moment."

She slammed the car into reverse and I said, "if you expect me to have a conversation with you, you need to _not _give me a heart attack."

"Sorry," she sighed and pulled out of the parking lot at twenty miles per hour. "I don't know how you can stand driving this slowly."

"Before I came to Forks I wasn't...used to getting noticed. And when I am noticed, it's usually by people I'm not interested in like Mike who probably hit on everybody. Edward's interest..took me completely by surprise. So did Jacob's. But somehow a _girl_, and not just any girl but _you_ liking me is more shocking than all of that combined."

"I don't really understand why you think I'm too pretty to like you," she said, "I guarantee you if I dressed you up in something nice and took you out someplace, people would say 'what a cute couple.' They wouldn't wonder what I was doing with you."

I was relieved when she got onto the highway that _didn't _go to the mall. "Any chance you'll tell me where we're going?"

"We're getting you some lunch," she said, "if I ever forget that you need to eat, please smack me or remind me or something."

"You and Edward were my favorite people," I said, "probably in the whole world. You were right when you said that the van incident was what made me fall in love with him. I thought he could take care of me, but in the end I was the one taking care of him. It only just recently occurred to me how badly I need to be taken care of. For as much as I trip all the time, I think I might be in more danger from myself than from any van or vampire out there."

"I want to find a way to support you without holding you back from learning to take care of _yourself_," Alice said, "for that exact reason."

I nodded. "Edward needs someone who can be strong. And I've always been strong. I took care of Renee and I took care of Charlie, but I've never known how to take care of myself."

"But you can, Bella," she said, "you need to stop believing that you need someone else to make you worthwhile. If you want to be pretty, loveable, worthwhile, you don't need Edward or _me _and you certainly don't need to be a vampire."

"But I want you," I said, almost defensively, "I don't care what it says about me."

We seemed equally surprised at how her words had pushed out the confession. She took one hand off the wheel and set it on mine. "This is really scary for you, isn't it?"

"No," I said. "I'm not afraid of you." How many times did I need to say it?

"You're scared to admit you're scared."

The restaurant we pulled into was one I had never seen before. She ordered food and was excellent at discretely hiding more and more food in a to-go box she brought in her purse. Neither the waiter nor anyone else seemed to notice.

"So how does this work?" I asked as we pulled in to her apartment complex. "Us dating? It was always hard to know with Edward how much it was okay for us to touch or kiss or anything."

"Sometimes it's hard for us to tell too," she said, "especially since you were the first human Edward ever dated. I probably have a somewhat better idea of what is and is not safe for me than he does, but generally speaking if it's a bad idea I'll tell you."

"Are you sure?" I asked. "I thought vampires couldn't stop once they..."

"Foresight," she said, "so anything you're thinking, I'll pretty much know ahead of time if it's going to set me off or not."

I exhaled slowly. "This sounds doable."

I moved closer to her first, and a cold hand brushed my cheek and pushed my hair away just as I started to freeze with nerves. Her kiss was unafraid, something I had never experienced before. I could feel the pang in my chest, telling me I was betraying Edward and somehow it felt good. I was a horrible person, and I wanted to _keep _betraying Edward as badly as I could. When she finally stopped me, I was panting.

"You okay Bella?"

"I..." I said. "We'll have to try that again when I'm not crazy," when I saw her expression change, I said, "not...that I'll make you wait that long."

She gave me another peck on the lips and I followed her inside.

"You'll have to go home soon," she told me, while we sat in silence on the couch.

"I know," I said.

"Are you _sure _you feel alright?" she asked.

I wasn't exactly sure _what _I was feeling, so I tried it again. This time, it was less intense. Less angry and less desperate, all around better. I had lost Edward but I had Alice. Alice was mine. There was relief, lust, excitement, confusion, pride, giddiness, and just downright vengeance in my kiss. Some of those feelings were for her, and the rest seemed a bit unfair. But I couldn't think about it. I was too happy to care.


End file.
